summoning charm

If you know me, you might recognize (whether I have told you or not) that I’m going through somewhat of an emotional crisis. If you don’t know me or I haven’t talked to you about it, well, I’m going through somewhat of an emotional crisis. If you know me and I haven’t talked to you about it, don’t ask me to; honestly, I would have brought it up if I wanted to discuss the matter. And I don’t bring it up here as a way to initiate the conversation.

Instead I want to explore what people do to get through those times when faith is tested, strength is fleeting and resolve is necessary in larger doses than one typically possesses.

Times like this, I do my best to visualize a happy outcome. I don’t always succeed. Sometimes this happy visualization, while keeping me focused, can send me into fits of despair over the how and the when of its realization. I’m trying to get better at this technique.

I write. Then I don’t write because words seem inconsequential compared to what’s at stake. Then I write prolifically. Then I don’t. You might have noticed this trend.

I exercise like a you-know-what. I have never missed running more than I do now. If I could just go for one goddamn run, I swear I would be a bastion of self-assurance and stability. But the risk of re-injury is too high so if you need to reach me and I’m not answering my cell, I’m probably at Biker Barre, where I have taken up residency on a spin bike.

I open wine. I don’t sleep. I search the web for eye creams that will reduce puffiness, eliminate the soft purple hue that rings my eyes and mask to the world that I probably have just been crying. I take copious notes at work because I’m scatterbrained. I pack my schedule to the gills, then regret the decision when the time comes to keep those planned activities.

But today my tricks aren’t working. I need to do more to channel my strength and feed my faith in the future.  I need to step away from the emotional ledge. I need to take deeper breaths than my psyche wants to allow.

You may not know the heart of my stress, but you probably have your own ways for summoning the qualities you need in times of mental anguish. I’m looking for suggestions.

And if you can recommend a good eye cream, the delicate skin around my eyes would greatly appreciate it.