rebuilding trust

The day I can walk is circled in red on my mental calendar. No one is more excited for the ditching of the wheelchair than I am, except perhaps my chore-burdened kids and those dear friends who cook/shop for me and cart me around. But even with this anticipation in mind, I was not prepared for such bold instruction from my PT on Tuesday.

“Stand up.”

I promptly responded by bursting into tears. “No,” I sobbed. “I can’t.”

My amazingly patient PT assured me I could. He made me try again. And again. And again, until I actually put weight on the right side to press up to a standing position.

“Mountain pose,” I whispered, rolling my shoulders back but still pouring more weight into the left side of my body.

The thrill was short-lived.

Under orders to practice this new party trick at home, even after initial (supervised) success, I still cried with subsequent attempts. I don’t know where these tears come from. It’s not like I want to be confined to a wheelchair or my first floor forever, though this cocooned life has kept me safe for these past three months, a feat I wasn’t able to achieve the last time I walked on two feet.

I trust the doctor’s prognosis. I trust the PT’s assessment that I’m ready. But I don’t trust myself. All it takes to screw up is a slip, a twist, a misstep. My reputation for klutzy behavior taunts me, and not even the deep breaths that normally move me off the ledge help.

I have another PT session in a few hours, and since he gave me a preview of what to expect, I know today’s visit will include taking baby steps. I can’t think about it without succumbing to tears and dread, the first time I’ve not looked forward to PT, which basically substitutes for a social life these days.

I’ll be ready to go when my ride arrives, but how can I trust my body do as commanded when the order is given?






2 thoughts on “rebuilding trust”

  1. I hope it went OK for you. Learning to trust the body again is a big deal — I’m finding at least. Yoga training helps with awareness of body sensations and your reactions to them. You will find a way through! 🙂

  2. I can relate to your feeling. I felt I was made of glass, I was scared, I didn’t think I could do it emotionally or physically but I did. And three months after that final brace came off, I got my heel caught between two sidewalk blocks and went flying headfirst to the ground and even though I learned it was a bad decision, instinct put my hands out to break my fall. And I didn’t break. Weird ridiculous circumstances put you in this situation and those same exact circumstances won’t happen again. Though you may not feel it now, you are in fact stronger now than you were this time four months ago. Time will prove it to you. Let the tears fall, you’ve been through some serious shit but your body has muscle memory and it will come back and you will come back better and more badass than before. ❤

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