my psychic reading

Today I had a psychic reading.

It had been many years since I consulted the mystical for answers to my burning questions, so when a dear friend offered up the name of the psychic she had been using for 12 years, I didn’t hesitate to schedule a phone session with him.

After wrestling with a good 20 minutes with the Western Union website so I could pay him in advance, I finally made our scheduled call.

We didn’t exactly start off on the right foot.

He immediately took my full name and started to make some numerology calculations based on that name. As it turns out, my entire name is cursed.

Majesty: Your middle name is Ingrid? You have to lose that. It’s a negative name. Just go to the records office and have them take it off your birth certificate.

Me: But I’m named for my aunt.

Majesty: And your first name? It’s a beautiful disaster. You need to lose the “a” at the end of Chelsea so I recommend you change the spelling.

Me: But I have spent years mocking people who make up alternate spellings for my name.

Majesty: If you lose the “a” and spell your name Chelse, you will have total protection your entire life.

Me: Sigh

Majesty: But the worst is Henderson. This name means divorce. Everyone with this name gets a divorce. Why did you take it back after your own divorce? You need to take the name of your second husband, if he even ever marries you because I’m afraid the negative energy of your name might prevent that from happening. You need to change it to Hunderson.

Me: So I should change my name from Chelsea Henderson to Chelse Hunderson?

I think not.

But then things took a turn for the better. Numerology must not be for me because I got a lot more out of the tarot card reading he did. The top ten takeaways:

1. I am quite fertile. In fact, I have a third son I haven’t given birth to who is really pissed off that I have not let him be born yet.

2. I need to stop worrying about crap because everything is going to be fine.

3. I will get married again and will get pregnant and release baby #3, but in the Jamaican way, pregnant first, then married.

4. I will build my dream home.

5. I should start my own business immediately because I will be very successful at it and will rise to a high station in life.

6. I have artistic powers and should try writing a book because it will be a best seller.

7. I have met my soulmate and should have no fear, there are great and mighty days to come.

8. I will live until I am old and gray. (Though I am gray now, as Mickey can attest to.)

9. I should embrace a more vegetarian lifestyle and get some rest because I don’t sleep enough. (What exactly do vegetarians pair with cabernet sauvignon?)

10. I should make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen.

As the tarot card reading consumed much more time than the numerology portion of our call, I was able to abandon the despair at my name and absorb his insight. Which at this point really centered around one recurring word: fertile.

Majesty: In fact, I think you should change your middle name to Myrtle.

Apparently, it’s less cursed than Ingrid.